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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27718976">it's you that i lie with</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SidewaysClarinet/pseuds/SidewaysClarinet'>SidewaysClarinet</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Writer-Bot Shenanigans [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A fic that hurts all the way thru, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, It's been too long since I've written straight up angst, Listen I picked up Writer-Bot's coin flip and went sicko mode, Other, Unhappy Ending, Weird pairing but give it a try, Writer-Bot Shenanigans</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:22:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,392</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27718976</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SidewaysClarinet/pseuds/SidewaysClarinet</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamantaka has had many, many hosts. </p><p>But he will never love another in the way that he loves Takezou Shima.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Shima Takezou/Yamantaka</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Writer-Bot Shenanigans [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027450</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Blue_no_Exorcist</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>it's you that i lie with</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Okay I KNOW yes this is a weird pairing but listen. I play a coin flip game to come up with oneshots sometimes, and this is where Writer-Bot's coin flip led me--Yamantaka/Takezou angst!</p><p>Yes, I'm on a mission to find the weirdest AoEx ships leave me alone JASHDSH</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
  <span>Yamantaka has had many, many hosts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          He has been contracted to warriors, most often. Great men and women and those in between, soldiers who defended the weak—or persecuted them, in some lives. He has been used to reap the souls of just as many demons as he has humans, and for more causes and organizations than he can truly keep track with.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          He has been contracted for good, and for bad. He has slain the righteous as often as he has been used to slay the hated, the weak as often as the strong, children as many as adults. He has been used with warmth, and with coldness. He has been used against friends, and families, and lovers. Hosts blur together just as often as victims too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          They are all faces, and names, and stories. He cannot remember them all, nor does he try to anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          Shima Takezou is the latest in the sea of hosts. He is the eldest son of the family that Yamantaka has found himself bound to, and though he is kind and righteous, he is nothing new. He does not stand out, and Yamantaka knows he will not stay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          Through all of his lifetimes, only one thing has remained constant throughout the various humans and hosts he lends his power to—to some degree, they all fear him. He does not blame them. He is an ancient sort of power, one that has seen the rise and fall of empires and species altogether. He has seen great evil and great goodness in the world, and he’s weathered it all to come out strong, and old, and quite okay with being feared.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          Shima Takezou does not fear him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          He meets the boy when Takezou is still young, little more than a child with a stick and responsibilities too great for his young shoulders. Yamantaka has seen many Takezous in his time; he’s seen many young heirs saddled with the weight of traditions and expectations. He looks at the boy with wide eyes and curious hands, and knows that this one will not last long. The brightest stars burn out the fastest, after all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          As a teenager, Takezou introduces himself. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m your new host now,’</span>
  </em>
  <span> Takezou tells him, as if he does not know. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>What’s your name?’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          Yamantaka</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he replies. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I am kin of Armumahel, and protector of the Shima family. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          ‘It’s nice to meet you.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Takezou says it with a smile, as if he truly means it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          Shima Takezou does not stop there. He speaks to Yamantaka often, even though the demon does not answer. At first, it’s irritating. It’s like a fly buzzing in his ears, and no matter how much he swipes it away, Takezou returns to speak to him more.</span>
</p><p>
  
  <em>
    <span>I do not care for your stories, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he tells Takezou one day, in a flash of irritation. The boy has him summoned as he trains with that silly spear of his, attacking a training dummy until it is little more than slivers and pieces of wood. Takezou pauses when he speaks, looks up at him with those wide eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Do you want me to stop?’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>he asks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          Yamantaka goes to tell him that yes, he would very much like for Takezou to stop this inane monologue of whatever his family has told him about demons and the procedures for putting them into classes and groups. Even so, he can play at politeness. </span>
  <em>
    <span>...no, I spoke out of hand. You may continue.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          ‘No, it’s okay,’</span>
  </em>
  <span> Takezou says. He sets the spear down for a second, and turns to face Yamantaka completely, giving his full attention. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Would you like me to talk about something else?’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>He isn’t entirely sure what to say to that. There is nothing in Assiah that he has not killed, experienced, or been through, and surely Takezou must know that. He must know that there is little left to catch his interest, and yet, he looks so genuine anyways. Like all he was waiting for was for Yamantaka to direct him.</span>
</p><p>
  
  <em>
    <span>Tell me about yourself, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Yamantaka says, because it is one of the only things left on Earth that he might not know—people, and how they changed over time. Takezou nods, and thinks for a long minute before he picks up his spear. When he speaks again, it’s of himself, and who he has become as an exorcist.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          It does not end there, of course. Each day, Takezou looks to him during training, and each day, he asks the same question. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What would you like me to talk about? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Each time, he talks about whatever Yamantaka wishes him to. Every day, for months, he repeats this, until there is nothing left that Yamantaka could not possibly know.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          When it comes to this, and when he is sure that Takezou will accept defeat, the boy surprises him. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Who are you?’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>he asks, instead. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Were you born, or created? Do you have anything like family? What is your favorite memory? Who was your favorite host? Which host did you hate the most? Have you ever loved anyone?’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>It is all that Takezou wants to know. Yamantaka, in and out, in his entirety. He is never satisfied with the answers he is given, or the stories that he is told. He always wants to know more, what all he’s seen, what all he’s done.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          Years pass, and Yamantaka thinks for sure that there is nothing else he can ask. Takezou knows him more intimately than any host before, so thoroughly that there is little else to tell him. When they reach that point, and Takezou is a young man on his own with broader shoulders and darker eyes, Takezou instead asks him about the mundane.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          He asks Yamantaka about his day, how he is feeling. When they are on missions, he asks Yamantaka which way they should go, which of their teammates that he likes, what he’d like to do when they return home. Strangest of all is that Yamantaka enjoys these conversations. He even finds himself liking them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          And when Takezou asks him questions late at night, ominous ones of </span>
  <em>
    <span>what would you do, if you could break free of your contract? Have you ever wanted to? What was it like, when you were a spirit on your own? Did you ever see an afterlife? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Yamantaka begins to find himself worried, of all things.</span>
</p><p>
  
  <em>
    <span>Why do you ask me these questions? </span>
  </em>
  <span>he asks Takezou, one night. If he were able to frown, he would have been. As it stands, he hovers over Takezou, fading into the darkness of their bedroom as his host looks blankly up at the ceiling, just beyond Yamantaka. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>          ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Just wondering,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>he says. He says it every time Yamantaka wants to know why he asks those questions, and never elaborates from there. It’s not like any other of his hosts before. He is part of Takezou, just as Takezou is part of him. He knows his host’s emotions, his thoughts, his worries and anxieties, and yet he cannot see this. What pushes Takezou to ask and say these things.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          And so, he looks for clues. He watches, more than he’s ever watched anyone or anything before. He sees the family, the other humans that Takezou calls brothers and sisters and mother and father. He sees the tension, the expectations, the forced smiles and the clenched fists. He feels the sparks of frustration, of hopelessness, and all other manner of fearful and hateful emotions; however, they are only sparks, and disappear before he can pin them down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          With seeing, he understands. He leans over Takezou’s shoulder, tells him, </span>
  <em>
    <span>You can leave. No one will stop you. No one can stop you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          ‘I can’t,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Takezou tells him with a soft smile. He looks at his siblings, where they play and argue and fight and train. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>I won’t leave them behind.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          You’d endure suffering, just for their ease of mind? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Yamantaka demands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          Takezou nods. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>I would.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>Yamantaka does not understand. It is a suffering that permeates everything Takezou does, feels, and thinks, and yet he will not leave it behind. He shoulders it for little more than to indulge the laziness of the siblings, to take on expectations just so they might flounder about as useless, annoying creatures. He does not understand it</span>
</p><p>
  
  <em>
    <span>You’re a fool, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he hisses. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>          But despite his anger, despite the insult, Takezou only smiles and runs a gentle hand down the bone of Yamantaka’s face. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I know.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>Yamantaka leaves him in a rage. Tied to Takezou though he may be, he is certainly not required to hover by his host’s side as he has been. He does not come at Takezou’s whim nor call, and leaves the human alone. It is shameful, he tells himself, to be tied to a human with no pride in himself or his autonomy. It is embarrassing, and he will not have it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>          He tells himself this, when Takezou comes to call him one night. He’s alone, at one of the abandoned shrines, and there are dried tracks of wetness beneath his eyes. His voice cracks when he calls Yamantaka’s name, and as he comes to see the human, Yamantaka tells himself that it is out of obligation more than anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          Takezou does not speak when he sees Yamantaka, only smiles that foolish, stupid smile of his. He takes Yamantaka’s face in his hands, leans their foreheads together and whispers with mortifying vulnerability. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>I missed you.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          I did not</span>
  </em>
  <span>, is what Yamantaka should say. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I enjoyed time away from you, and the embarrassing stain you will leave on my legacy, </span>
  </em>
  <span>is what he should tell the human. But, he does not. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t share his thoughts. He doesn’t remark upon the warmth of Takezou’s fingers, of the heartbeat that he can sense now that they’re together again, and he most definitely does not remark on the fierce wind of longing that finally quiets within his spirit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Stay with me, please?’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Takezou asks him, pleading. It’s with a sort of desperation and neediness that he rarely expresses, but does so openly now. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t… heh, I don’t think I can live without you anymore.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>He will not have to, of course. Yamantaka is bound to him until death, and it’s an oath that he’s always detested, in some form or fashion. Now, he looks at their bond and thinks, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I will stay with him until death. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He looks at their bond and thinks, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I will stay with him until death, because I wish to.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>In some way, that feels better. He is staying by choice. He is not staying because he is contracted to. He is not staying because he cannot live without Takezou, either. It is a choice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          It is a choice in the same way that it is a choice when he visits Takezou freely, coming into corporeality late at night to slide underneath Takezou’s hands, laying with great stillness as his host’s chest heaves silently. It is a choice in the same way it is a choice when he drains energy from the world around him, from humans nearby just to keep that spark in Takezou’s eyes just a minute longer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          It is a choice in the same way it is a choice when he begins to think of Takezou as not just one face in a sea of them all, when joy is no longer found in solitude but in his companionship, when freedom no longer has the same allure as a minute by Takezou’s side does.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          It is a choice in the same way that Yamantaka looks at him one day, and thinks to himself that there is no greater cruelty in life than its length, save only for time and its endless, ceaseless march forward. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>          It is a choice in the same way that nothing in life is a choice. Not even life itself. Not even death.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          Because surely, if he were able to, Yamantaka would choose to destroy death. He would kill it, wrangle the consciousness out of it until there were nothing left but ash. He would snatch life from the mouth of God and give it to the star burning so brightly but so shortly, whose light and heat grew to such a fever pitch that there was nothing left but darkness. Silence. Extinction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          And so, Shima Takezou lays in the snow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          Where time is a march forward, Takezou’s heartbeat is a stumble. It is a three-legged dog, crawling forward, hoping for grace in whoever pitied it enough to put it out of its misery. Takezou looks to him with the same eyes, the same quiet plea.</span>
</p><p>
  
  <em>
    <span>I cannot, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Yamantaka tells him, and were he capable of tears, they would never end. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I cannot surrender even a moment more with you. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>He cannot give away his limited time. Not when death waits patiently at his shoulder, not when he hears the huffing breaths and crunching steps of humans nearby. Time’s march pulls him forward, and he cannot help but beg for just a moment’s reprieve.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>          ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sorry,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Takezou says, through wheezing breaths and great burns that warp his skin and marr his dimming brightness. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll see you again… some day.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          You will see me now. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Yamantaka will not let him go. Not now. Not today. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I will not let you go.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          ‘Don’t be like that,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Takezou chuckles. He rests in the snow and does not struggle, does not call for help. He rests in the snow with the sureness and acceptance of someone who had known that such a day was coming, and now looked for nothing else from life but its end. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>My brother will need you. His name is… his name is Renzou.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          He is not you, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Yamantaka says. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He will never be you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>Takezou smiles. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>He’s not, but you’ll love him.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          I will not. I will never love him. </span>
  </em>
  <span>And this, he swears. He swears upon the oath that he has with the Shima. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>          ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>He’ll need you,’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Takezou continues, like he hadn’t even heard what Yamantaka said. ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Like I did. Be… be kind to him. He’ll need it. I’m sorry.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          Don’t apologize. Live.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          ‘I’m sorry.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>          Live. Please.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>         ‘I love you.’</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    
  </em>
  <span>Time’s march forward continues, but Takezou’s heartbeat does not. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>          Yamantaka has had many, many hosts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>          But he will never love another in the way that he loves Takezou Shima.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Comments and criticisms are always appreciated!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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